ensnared by nostalgia
don't look at your old hard drives
I have entered into a deep state of reflection, and it has not been easy to exit the energetic wormhole that is looking into the past. Sometimes it is inevitable – looking back to go forwards. Unfortunately, I find this is far from the feeling of presence. Rather, I feel the hooks of nostalgia; the barbed wire that cuts at your flesh as you try and climb the fence of remembering.
Nostalgia is one of my most complex feelings. A wanted guest that I eagerly invite into my home, only to have them trash the decor and furniture. Nostalgia will allow me to enter beautiful moments of understanding, like when I discover an old song buried deep in my hard drive that’s actually a banger. But then my gluttonous need for nostalgia will turn acrid. The nausea bubbles in my body as I think: “I guess I was a better dancer then”, or “I wasted my youth.” These cruel voices try to convince me that there is something fundamentally wrong with who and how I am.
This is a trap. Writing these thoughts out helps remind me (and hopefully you) that feelings aren’t facts.
Louder for the people in the back: FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS!
Scouring my hard drive I discovered little gems: a photo of me at 18 thinking i’m hot shit as I settled into my first week in Montreal, some sweet photos of me at on my twelfth birthday (hello inner child work), and some lines of poetry that I couldn’t believe I had written:
Small creatures crawl in and out of this empty vessel, She is stirred by each one.
Looking back is necessary as I resurrect two art projects that I am eager to complete.
First, I am incredibly excited to say that I played my first show under my pseudonym goddaughter! I had the pleasure of opening for des humes and zuleyyma, who showed me what it means to believe in your own fucking art. I was able to perform my single redmoon, among other new and exciting pop-forward songs. This show reminded me to push through the fear, and continue towards my first EP.
Second, I am picking up the pieces of my solo тαкє мє ωιтн уσυ ωнєи уσυ, which I first performed as part of Ali Bosley and Sara Graorac’s show at Duplex Gallery in 2022. I am excited to say that this work will be expanded upon and premiered at Whatlab this coming September for three nights! Picking up where you left off can impart a feeling of vertigo. I am taking it slow.
So then, how to stay present when looking back?
These two things helped today:
Reading this poem, posted on instagram via liliumandlove.
Also, lying down with headphones on and listening to this song.
Give it a try!
Body Practice
This newsletter I offer you GROUND, a video that offers embodied movement for your nervous system. It’s up on my youtube channel now! I invite you to set 25 minutes aside and follow the gentle guidance of the video.
GROUND is the first of four beginner contemporary dance classes, now offered online! These 20 minute videos are adapted to be done at home, or outside, alone, or with friends :)
INVIGORATE is for when you want to wake up your muscles and get a sweat on. It is the most fiery selection in my dance class series.
FLOW is for when you just want to dance it out. This video is the most like my regular dance classes. It will help cultivate a continuous movement practice.
PLAY is for when you want to learn new patterns and make new neural pathways! This video is for when you are feeling open hearted and curious to try something new.
GROUND is offered for free, and the other three are $30 as a package deal. As always, sliding scale is an option and can be discussed. I am happy to provide a movement and embodiment practice that is accessible to everyone! You can email kaitlyn.ramsden@gmail.com to organize payment!
See you next month!
K